Horrible will come later, right now is just worst

18Jan05

Ok, so people started boring me with the “you need a boyfriend, you need to go out”- thing. Since I broke up in the last relationship I’ve changed about 300%. I’m simply unable to relate to people, to talk, listen even to get interested in anyone. I’m in a strange phase where I love myself so much and I’m not willing to get to know another person and then get hurt all over again and YES, every thing ends one day, I’m too cynical to say otherwise.

So, facing that – and the loneliness in my apartment – I decided to spend a few free hours on a cold afternoon reading ads from people looking people (I don’t believe in genders) in the Craiglist. It’s sick, isn’t it? Not the looking for people, but the craigslist decision! I’m a loony. I became a loony. It’s me, Vanessa Mael the one that don’t need that, ever! The one that had a bunch of guys all lined up, just outside my door, waiting and waiting. Well, this is me now. A country and two years marriage later (I’m omitting the 40 pounds I put on that generated the death of my self steam), I can’t find anyone to spend my birthday with me, or the Saturday afternoon, or any afternoon, for that matter.

Anyway, after I spent two minutes reading all kinds of freaks requests, I had already moved to the job opportunities sections and activity’s partners. That proves my theory that I’m too busy to date and I’m much more interested in working and in myself then in others. Maybe, that’s becoming a disease or something, but it’s just the way I’m now. I prefer to spend my time with quality activities developing and working than with someone that tomorrow is not even going to remember me.

Is it too defensive? Yes, of course it its, damn it! I’m the one who fucking suffered to death months and moths, completely alone because I didn’t have my friends here to listen to me, and hug me and without them, believe me its much, much worse. Is anyone gonna blame me?



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